Newness (God's Girl)

It's been forever since I've wrote... I think last time I blogged I had just came from VA. So much has changed, I have grown up in ways I never thought possible! Sometimes I lose track of time, it's like I spent so much time unhappy in life and now I'm experiencing the joys of life. At times I get this guilty feeling like I don't deserve the happy moments or the good things then a still, small voice says you're worthy. I spent my teenage years and early twenties frustrated with issues I never dealt with, emotions and anger that was never dealt with. I can say I've truly gotten to know Christ over the past year and a half. He's healed so many wounds and there are still things he's purging me of. Like my socially awkward behavior may seem just simply weird to some but I spent so much time being afraid to trust people, so much time covering my emotions that I'm now learning how to actually interact. I'm a completely new creature which means I have new things to learn. I've always marched to the beat of my own drum yet was insecure within myself. Never felt pretty, knew that I was smart but didn't have the confidence to pursue certain things. So many talents but I've downplayed them and myself for so long. I'm 25, had maybe two serious relationships, no children that says a lot about me yet so little. I'm not big on discussing my love life or anything about my relationships therefore people just seem to think I've never had my heart broken or been in love, or even experienced love. Thing is I have... I don't share that with everyone, I'm open about lots of things but that's still a rough spot one that God is still dealing with which is why I go so hard for young women and the things they go through. Contrary to popular belief I've experienced A LOT, yes I have a dad, I know who he is, I love him but our relationship is different. Yes I'm over the fact that he missed out on a good portion of my life and that I had no real father figure to guide me but my grandfather whom I love to pieces but he couldn't fill that void. Yes me and my mother are close now but it hasn't always been that way. I'm super close to my grandma but even she doesn't know a lot of the pain and torment I've battled with. I go HARD about judging books by their covers because you don't know what people go through especially when you're on the outside looking in! If you've never experienced rejection you can't preach to me about it, if you've never been within a dysfunctional living situation you can't relate. I can RELATE! God has made it so clear what my ministry is but I ran, I ran so many times because I was afraid... Afraid of how people would perceive me or how they'd view me but now blinders are off and I could care less how people perceive my PAST!! I know who I am NOW... The title church girl is annoying and I don't ever want to be associated with it again because to me it's a stereotype, church girls are naive, church girls just want to fit in and be like everyone else while living for God too. Thing is that gets old, I lived it, I walked both side of the fence and it was a JOB! Should have gotten paid for that performance LOL babyyyyy don't get me started. At 25 I'm not a church girl I'm God's girl, I know where my help comes from, I know my worth and I have no type of desire to be like others. One of the greatest things I admire about my mother is that she never FORCED church, Christ on me... She let me be me yet taught me about him through the way she lived, I was never forced to be saved. From the time I was 15 to 21 I hated church, I went out of respect and once again I was a "church girl". At 22 I I was tired, I was restless, the mask I wore got heavy, gave my life to Christ, got baptized, secretly backslid, went back to Christ. 23 and 24 was a struggle, I was saved, wanted so much of Christ yet I was still bitter about some things, hurting over past situations. 25 doors have been kicked open, emotions flew out, got desperate for God, fasted, prayed like crazy just to get closer to God. It started off mellow, very easy then got rough, approaching the end of 25 and even though I've had storms this has been THE MOST BEAUTIFUL year of my life so far. I'm so free😂😂😂😂😂🙏👏👏👏👏🙌 , I'm learning to be content, to walk with God even through storms, I'm learning that people's opinions don't matter hallelujah!!! Praise The Lord hallelujah I'm free ❤❤❤❤❤❤