Get Your Life (God's Way)

"So my little cousin Jaylin (not so little anymore, she is 19) inspired this post and its title came from her giving me the idea." 
It wasn't so long ago that I was 19, that I was impressionable and thought the world owed me something. I started to think about a lot when she gave me the title, I first laughed because we tell people to get their lives daily and for those who do not know what get your life means it is simply stating: GET it together. I started thinking back a few years about the things I used to do, say before starting this full time walk with Christ. I thought about the lonely nights, the random men who have walked in and out of my world. I thought about the secrets, the lies and how I felt when it was just me alone, I hated myself. I wanted to be loved, wanted stability and to feel secure. I wanted to be important so I'd jump from one life choice to the next and I look back now and realize I was simply looking for myself. I did not know who I was or what I wanted out of life, all I knew is that I wanted to be LOVED. Yes I had people that loved me, a mother who did the best she could and loved me fiercely but I was avoiding and running from the greatest love and that can only come from Christ. I grew up in church, my mother taught us the power of prayer very early on and I knew about Jesus. I was not sheltered in the sense that I was a product of divorce so when I spent weekends with my father the atmosphere was different, I could listen to things and watch things that I could not with my mom. I was about 13 when my father moved to Ohio, from there he went to Boston, North Carolina and so on. So there were years and moments I did not see him which caused me to be very angry, bitter and I would often blow up at anyone within my grasp. Oftentimes it was my mother, I had this strong resentment towards her for reasons my young mind could not comprehend. Other times it was my sister or anyone in my household that said anything to set me off, I was a time bomb. I poured myself into music, jumped at the chance to participate in musicals, choirs even if they were small roles anything to avoid "home." We moved around a lot, my entire life I can not remember living in a house barely 3 years and that was pre divorce and post divorce. I always gravitated towards grandparents because of their unchanging lifestyle, it was steady, it was consistent and their home was just always a staple. At 19 I moved in with my grandmother and grandfather, completely broken, suicidal and still a time bomb. I had battled years of depression, anger and emotional battles that were simply swept under a rug. At 21 I was lonely, I was promiscuous, I was lost and I can say it now... I despised God. I did not understand why he would let me struggle, why things for others came so easily, why would he make others lives so easy and mine so very difficult. (I was always the friend people came to in times of struggle or need, always the one to sympathize with others and looking back on life now I could have never helped the people I have helped had my road been easy.) I just wanted to be loved, to be the girl everyone loved, to be pretty and smart but in my young mind I'd failed at my superficial goals. Recently I have been looking back simply over the past 6 years of my 20's I have met more people through Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and the constant jumping from school to school or trade to trade and none of them have bad things to say about me. It made me realize that I was always the girl "they" liked the issue was I did NOT like ME!! I spent time and wasted precious moments focused on the wrong things such as my appearance. There was a period where I would binge and purge but got very afraid when things got serious and it was only God that stopped it... all the things I did trying to destroy myself, he intervened. Even when I wanted nothing to do with God he intervened. I got saved seriously (church kids know what I mean by seriously)  at 22 in my bedroom... baptized shortly after. Backslid shortly after, round 2, round 3, round 4 and it wasn't until I was about 24 that I began to really get serious, received the gift of the holy spirit. In my naive mind I thought I could now walk on clouds lol... but the enemy came harder, kept throwing

things in my way to distract, to torture my mind and somethings I fell for. Depression has been the biggest battle and people can say all day Christians don't battle it or it shouldn't be a part of  our vocabulary. I agree that we shouldn't wallow in it, but it exist and it takes the God we serve to bring us out. I didn't write this post for attention or for any other reason but to tell where God brought me from. I am 26, saved, filled with his spirit... I am celibate. It is a WALK and I die daily to avoid self, to avoid the issues and things that are destroying my generation. Being called weird doesn't bother me, I am so used to it. Being rejected by men who think celibacy is a joke has been hard. I have spent moments before God asking why is it that doing the right thing causing me such grief lol! And times I have thought the grass was greener back when. I joined Pinky Promise last year and the ministry itself has changed me, the way I look at dating and waiting. This is for all my sisters, cousins, friends: Find friends who support the positive directions and choices that you are making. The times I wanted to quit and say God I give up I think of my cousins. I think of my Jaylin and my Jasmine, the nights and weekends they've spent with me, how they are so excited about Heather's ministry and all that Pinky Promise is doing. When I think of them I remember that I am walking with a purpose and the slightest wrong turn I take will alter their view of me. I just want to be all God has called me to be, I want to minister to young women and be a light. Lately that old familiar feeling of insecurity has tried lingering. I am constantly on my knees be it at night or when I wake up. I still have things to overcome, issues to deal with it but I wanna keep getting my life GOD's way. This world has nothing for me.
Until we meet again, keep God first in all you do, pray for me! I will do the same.

"Daughters Of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." - Song Of Solomon 8:4

CDJ<3